You Are Free - Free to be Rescued

Wednesday, 9 May 2018

We continue to journey along with me while I read and soak into Rebekah Lyon's You are Free...

In the chapter "Free to Be Rescued" Rebekah talks about her healing from anxiety and fear and the moment she cried out and was healed.  She was actually surprised at first that it actually "worked".  That it continued.  She walked in trepidation, not knowing if it would last.

It is funny that we as Christians would question healing when the Bible is full of stories of God healing and redeeming people. I know God can heal.  I know God can decide not to heal too.  Everything is up to God.  The problem is do I really trust God to heal knowing both of these sides of the coin?  Can I trust that God has more in His plan if He doesn't heal or will I become bitter and angry and drift from God because of it.  

Honestly, I do struggle with God's healing and deliverance.  I have literally been on the floor praying and worshiping that my husband would be cured of his depression.  At first it was just depression and now..... This journey has been going on for 9 years, as long as my youngest son has been alive.  Sam does not know Leroy without the depression nor does he understand.  Both times Leroy was hospitalized, Sam took it well but I knew, even if he couldn't communicate it, that it affected him.  It affected all of us.  Just as it continues to do so.  My prayer is always heal my husband mentally, physically and spiritually.  I know that there is a battle going on and that only God can heal him.  

I know I need healing.  I need to learn to trust and forgive.  I have huge issues with both of these things which is probably why it is easy to push God to the side instead of inviting Him in.  No one in my life knows 100% of anything about me.  I keep it that way for a purpose.  It protects me from hurt and pain.  That little girl who hid out at church is still underneath all those layers and the woman I am today cannot take the pain and rejection so I build walls around myself.  I confess I often ghost people from my life who hurt me because I don't want to deal with the pain of confrontation.

I have a lot of pain and suffering.  Not physical (unless you ask me to run on the treadmill) but mental and spiritual.  Emotional abuse lingers.  Satan really does know how to attack us and he is good at it.  The lies I heard from my mother, my father and my first step father remain.  It lead me into making bad decisions in my early twenties.  Things I will never be able to take back.  Things that affect my life now.  I equated sex with love and devalued myself.  I allowed others to determine my value.  I had an ex boyfriend who told me I was going to be a horrible mother because I was a horrible housekeeper.  It's any wonder why I am so hard on myself about my house cleaning and mothering. 

As a believer, I am healed and cleansed from my old life.  I can decided to be like Lot's wife and look backwards constantly.  She paid the consequence of that and what consequence will I receive if I allow my past and the lies to control me.  Or I can decide to cry out to God for deliverance and healing.  I choose to cry out to the One that can take all my angst, frustration, hurts and pains and break me and make me into something new.

In my distress I called upon the Lord;
    to my God I cried for help.
From his temple he heard my voice,
    and my cry to him reached his ears.....

He sent from on high, he took me;
    he drew me out of many waters.....

He brought me out into a broad place;
    he rescued me, because he delighted in me.
Psalm 18:6,16, & 19 ESV

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