#TBT - Fight Back

Thursday, 1 February 2018

I am feeling bruised.  Being in Church leadership one has to make decisions that others don't like.  It hurts when friends attack because of a difference of opinion.  It hurts when people can't separate you and the office.  This year has been particularly hard because not only am I on council but I am also the Chair and subsequently I am the one who is the face of all decisions the body of council makes.  One would believe that because we are Christians that we would get along better.  However, we are still human and we are still sinful.

It feels like I am a target for all attacks whether spiritual, verbal, or emotional  I literally feel like I walk around with a target sign on my chest (maybe I should buy the T-shirt).  At first I thought these were just feelings but lately it has become evident.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot.  I am not one to cry openly, in fact I have been called out on it.  It takes a lot for me to cry in front of people.  Last night after a particularly hard meeting I left sobbing.  I couldn't even speak.  I am actually surprised I made it home.  I really haven't stopped crying.  

When I got home I needed to do something because I needed to focus on something else rather than utter defeat.  A few years ago during a particularly long session of Synod I walked from the hall to my dorm and rapped Jump Around by House of Pain.  This was a song that came out in 1992 (which is also the year I graduated)  I made it my fight song.  I am making it my fight song now.  It is not spiritual.  It is not even clean.  It is, however, all about fighting and it is what my soul is longing to hear. 

I need to fight.  I need to fight the good fight and stand.  I need to allow God to stand with me and follow His lead.  I need to pick up my sword and arm myself against the attacks and yes, some battles will be smooth and some battles will be messy but I will fight.  

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